Who am I?
by not-another-ordinary-someone
Summary: Who am I? I have spent centuries trying to answer that question. My name is Jasper Whitlock, but that is no longer my identity. I am a creature of the night. I used to believe the monster was born in me, I now believe it was always there waiting to ecsape
1. A discovered plan

**_A/N: This is my third fanfic, my others stories are still in-progress, and I think their worth taking a look at... _**

**_Anyways this story is all about Jasper, I intend for it to be fully in his point of view. It starts out before he becomes a vampire, I think it brings different dimension to his character, when you see his kind of up-bringing. I also don't intent for this to be a one-shot... I just find myself wanting to write something more, something longer. I hope you like the story, _**

**_please review telling me your thoughts, thank you!_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own twilight, Stephenie Meyer does._**

* * *

Who am I? I have spent centuries trying to answer that question. My _**name **_is Jasper Whitlock but, that is no longer my true identity. I am a creature of the night, despite my shame at my doings, I have no control. Sometimes I question if I have any human left in me, besides my nightly meal... _Most_ times I don't need to question it, _most_times I give in to the monster that has slow leaked out. I once believed that when Marie changed me, the monster had fought with me to take over, only now reaching greater success. I have lost this belief along with all other hope for my being. I assume this monster has always lurked within me and in a shine of weakness on my part it got out.

* * *

Today had been a long and labourful day, I took on twice the responabilities this week than I had before. My eight year old sister Alesa had began a fever a few days ago, although mother remained as cold as she always was to us, her own flesh and blood, she insisted that I take on Alesa's chores as well as my own. I didn't enjoy the extra work, I had plenty as it is but, even the slightest concern my mother directed in either of her children's well-being left me delighted. I was happy to see any emotion come from her, even if it wasn't meant for me.

There had never been an accident or anything in the like, to set off the emotionless state my mother had always seemed to host. She had been that way for as long as I could remember, it was both comforting and unnerving when she showed any emotion towards us at all.

I started out the morning collecting bucket after bucket of water for mother, it hadn't been particularly tiring but, rather boring. I walked back and forth from the well out back to the house, it was an average distance to walk for water, but not at all physically or mentally challenging to accomplish... it just took time. My body and mind would be left without strain, though my body kept busy walking the empty then full buckets of water back and forth, my mind had been left to wander within its walls. I would bounce from thought to thought, but mostly I would think of my family and what little I was really able to do for them.

We had had just enough to get by, my father had died over a year before. I know what your thinking, and yes that would be a reasonable explanation for my mother's emotionless state but, she hadn't ever been too different. My father had been the lively one in our household, he had brought Alesa and I's mother what life she had ever had. Though her husband's death didn't cause her constant state, it had had a bad effect on her. Most of her troubles used to be showing happiness, my father had been able to make her laugh, and ease some of those troubles but, when he left (that's what mother liked to say he did), she no longer had happiness to hide, she was filled with sadness.

I had liked to tell myself she hid her sadness for Alesa and I but, deep down I knew she was used to hiding a part of herself and that was all there was left to hide.

My morning chores were nothing more than tedious, but as the day continued on the chores became what I was used to, hard work.

I got home at a late time, like I had much this week. When I walked inside I found my mother bent over my sister with a wet cloth, the fever must be picking up again. I went over and put my hand on my mother's shoulder. It had startled her for a moment before she looked up.

"I can take over for awhile, you should go get some rest, or something to drink, or anything." I suggested as I took the cloth gently from her hand.

She did nothing more than nod, and walk into the other room. I sat next to my sister, who had her eyes shut tightly. I pressed the cloth to her head.

"Jasper?" Her eyes opened a fraction.

"Yes."

"Good. Its you. Sorry, about all the extra chores, I hope your not too tired." She apologized.

I laughed. "I couldn't look as tired as you..."

She giggled. "How tired do I look?"

"Mrs.Chandler, down the street, first thing in the morning tired."

She exploded with silently laughter. I was impressed, for an eight year old she had enough control to realize her mother would have came running in if she laughed in full audibility.

Our mother returned to the room a couple minutes later, I was glad to see she had at least gotten a glass of water for herself. I could have stayed and insisted on my mother going to bed for rest but, I knew she would be up every hour to check on Alesa anyways, and I was exhausted. The one person my charismatic gift did not work on was my mother, so I saw the argument as a lost cause, I was better off getting rest now so I could take over when mother finally drifted to sleep sometime I estimated in the next day or so. So, instead I retired to my room.

I went over the last few details of my plan that I had realized over a fortnight ago. I lifted the loose floor board to the right of my bed, to reveal the army benefits brochure I had stored there a few days ago. If I joined the army I could make good money, my family could eat, Alesa would get the medicine she needed. If I joined the army I could do what my father did, I could provide and protect my family.

I would be turning seventeen in a month but, I looked older than my true age, plus the army always needed new soldiers, I was tall enough that if anyone called questions to those who recruited me, they'd have a more than reasonable excuse. I knew with my charisma, if I carried myself the right way, I'd be able to pull off twenty.

The next morning I had gotten up a half hour earlier than everyone else, I packed my duffel and hid it in the cellar, which had convenient access from outside. I hurried back to my room for a few minutes when I heard my mother begin to wake. I let her have a few minutes believing she was the only one awake, before I made my way into the kitchen. I grabbed an apple and rubbed it on my shirt before taking a big bite. My family would have all the apples they could ever want if the army accepted me into their ranks.

I worked for the beginning of the morning extra hard to complete all my chores first then, moved onto Alesa's which mostly consisted of around the house stuff. I did this so I could be around when Alesa woke, I wanted a chance to say goodbye, even though she wouldn't know what it was. Alison awoke around 9:30, she was as bright as the sun, she appeared so much healther today... I helped her with the rest of her chores though she said she felt all better.

While we were working out in the yard I made a point to say my final goodbyes, I had started with the intent to leave her with a good memory of me but, I didn't think I good lie to the girl, not now when I didn't have the accuse of her sickness.

"Alesa, I have to go away soon..." I started.

She nodded. "I know. You _feel_ you have to do a lot of things that you don't."

"Your too smart to be a kid, you know that?" I changed the subject.

She laughed. "Of course, I know that. I'm the one who wrote the book on that."

I laughed. I shouldn't have changed the subject... She needed to know what was really going on, I could trust her enough to know she wouldn't tell our mother unless I had asked her too. "Okay, Alesa. I don't know how to start but, you have to know... I really am leaving soon."

"I just said, I know." She said a little annoyed.

"How could you know any details? You know I'm going because I said I was."

"No," She said. "I know because mother discovered your loose floor board the other day..."

My eyes widened in bewilderment and I had the sudden urge to look back at the house. When I did I saw my mother standing in the door frame with tears in her eyes. I got up and walked over to her, Alesa hovered next to me.

"Would you have said anything to me?" She asked. I knew what she meant: If she hadn't of figured it out herself and had been in the doorway, would I have told her the truth before I left. I thought about it for a second.

"Probably not." I followed her usual routine of not expression emotion as I spoke. I knew my shell would crumble soon.

My words seemed to sting her like ice on bare feet. "I didn't want to chance you trying to stop me... I need to do this for Alesa, for you, I need to do this for me. I know that last part sounds selfish but, I can't stay here and do nothing while we slowly run out of the money he saved up for us."

She took a deep breath. "I'm not going to try stopping you."

"You aren't?" Alesa asked, shocked I could tell.

She glanced down at her daughter for a second. "No. Go along inside now." When Alesa was out of earshot my mother turned back to me. "I know not stopping you sounds cold, but we do _need_ the money, she needs medicine, professional care. She was good today but, everyday is a random..."

I fetched my duffel from the cellar quick and was pleased when I returned to see my mother still stood on the porch. I walked over and gave her a tight hug. "I love you, mom." I passed her the letter I had prepared this morning, I had planned on giving it to Alesa to pass on but, this seemed better than the first option. She nodded, I wasn't surprised affection was another rare situation for my mother, she had never told me she loved me. I considered the nod differently than most others would, it was the best she could do, and I was grateful for that much.

When I turned around to walk down the steps I promised myself I would not look back. I was halfway through the yard when I heard her whispered. "I love you, too."

* * *

**_Thanks a ton for reading, please review... And Check out my other stories: 'A vision of love' and 'Apocalypse: The Dying Sun'_**

**_Once again thanks for reading!_**


	2. Jasper's Letter

**_A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short but, I wanted Jasper's letter to be a separate chapter altogether. I'd love if you review for what little is here. lol_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to twilight, Stephenie Meyer does._**

* * *

Dear Mother,

I am sad I have to go but, happy to know I will be able to provide and protect you and Alesa both. I am sorry about not telling you, I didn't think I could bare being told to stay, I know I'd most likely feel inclined to obey to your wishes and I knew deep down I couldn't. My father was a great man and he loved us all, I'm sorry he had to leave... Sometimes you made it seem as though it were his choice. He loved us and would have fought anything in this world to stay with us. He loved you and I'm sorry he's gone.

I know he would like to look down at you on earth and see you smile once more, I know he would love to see you care for Alesa like a mother cares for a daughter. I know you love us both but, she needs to know. I have never heard you speak those three words to anyone, ever. Not me. Not Alesa. I know you said it to father but, I have never heard you utter the words.

I have finished my chores for the day, tomorrow, and the next after that. I have worked hard all week to have this much done for you. Take care of Alesa. When I get the money I will send what I can, for food and medicines. I pray to god they accept me into rank, I also pray I can make it back home one day. I love you both deeply and I'm sorry I had to leave.

--Jasper

ALESA POV--

I watched as mother set down the note, covered in her tears. I wanted to give her a hug. I wanted to make her feel better. I did not know how... I sat on the floor a few feet away. I watched her cry. I know it makes me sound mean but, I did not want her to stop. It was wrong to say it made me feel better to know she loved us lots to cry like this. But it did make me feel better. I never thought she loved me before today. She had never said it, not once but, now I knew.

Better than that she got up and picked me up in her arms. She hugged me for the first time since I was a baby and said she loved me. Now I really knew.


	3. Out of Training

**_A/N: I know this chapter is still rather short compared to the first one but, I had fourteen maps I had to label as homework this weekend, so I didn't get much chance to write. I wanted to post at least this much though. _**

**_I hope you like the chapter! Please review!_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to twilight, Stephenie Meyer does. _**

* * *

JPOV--

I jumped into the back of a cargo van. Even when no danger was posed we were warned to say attentive but, surrounded by all around me, ones thoughts couldn't help but, wander. There were few faces I could recognize. Everyone had similar cloths, similar hair cuts, and similar attitudes towards life. I suppose that's what separated me...

Our trainer had almost imediately taken a shine to me, at first he had intended to break my spirit in some sense. I couldn't take it as a bad idea on his part, he probably believed I would be a danger to myself and others if I didn't take it seriously. I did take it all seriously though, my family needed it, but that wouldn't stop me from offering up my ideas where others chose to cower. It would have been lesser a risk to have shut my mouth at certain times, but when I knew how to make something work I couldn't help but, speak my mind. This combined with my strong effort in the training was what brought me over to his good side.

I wouldn't have needed to learn the tactics that others learned in my situation to succeed, I could have rode on my personality alone and gotten just as far only slightly slower but, I learned all I could anyways. My trainer allowed me countless leisure days, however many I wanted he had said. I refused his offering and trained nearly everyday, when others got a leisure day once a week, I chose once a month.

Soon I had learned the tactics so well, I learned how to play around with them, and explore the variables. It was no longer all set facts. I began focusing most of my thoughts on how to improve our attacks. The day I voiced them was the day I was pulled out of training:

_I sat on my bunk writing another letter to home, I hadn't sent any yet. In the next town we would be granted a leisure day. While I could predict others would be visiting a pub or brawl I already knew I would be sending my letters and catching up on rest that I had missed the past few weeks of training. I could have tried catching up now, for today was too, a leisure day but, the matresses were only vaguely softer than the ground. I would wait until I could find a place to stay a few nights in town, before I would bother._

_Across from me Andy was instead reading a letter from home. How much I would have craved such a simple gift? I sat fidling with my pen. It would be lovely to recieve such but, I wouldn't want mother to waste money on such a thing of postage stamps on me. If only I could predict my future. I wanted to know how long I would survive. It's not that I would intent to back out and tell everyone of my age days before my predicted death. Although, I knew that I would most likely die before I saw my sister nor mother again, I figured it will be more peaceful will acceptance. But, how can acceptance be gained without warning of such happenings?_

_"Jasper! Frank wants to speak to you." I looked up to see Thomas at the door. _

_As confused as this made me -- he never called to those in training anytime during a day like this-- I followed behind Frank. When we were in sight of Frank, Thomas, gave me a pat on the back and a exasperated "Good luck" before disappearing into a tent. I walked towards Frank cautiously, he had caught sight of my immediately and watched me make me way slowly in his direction._

_"Jasper! Just the man I wanted to see!" He chuckled. "What my luck is to day, huh?"_

_"You sent Thomas to come get me." I laughed._

_He nodded. "Oh, yes. But, you still came."_

_"Your my commanding officer. Of course I came" I stated._

_Frank sighed. "Jasper, I am no longer your commanding officer. I'm pulling you out of training."_

_I stared at him with wide eyes, perhaps I shouldn't have spoken to him earlier of my ideas for our formations and the like. "Please, sir. I'm shouldn't have shown such disrespect for ones authority. I __**need**__ to be here."_

_"Your no longer in training, and you no longer have reason to call me sir..." _

_No, no. This couldn't happen. "But, sir--" I stopped when I saw his expression._

_"Jasper, your out of training. I am no longer your commanding officer, I am your co-commanding officer. Your not being asked to leave, your rank has been raised." He explained._

_"What?" I gasped._

_"I took into consideration what ideas you laid out and I discussed them with others higher up in rank and we all believe you don't need training if you have these thought capabilities. You have the personality to explain things I could see that clearly, I want you to help me train others."_

* * *

**_I'd love it if you reviewed! XD _**


	4. Strangers in the night

**_A/N: Sorry, I've been super busy with school so I haven't updated much. But, I hope you enjoy this chapter :)_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to twilight, Stephenie Meyer does. _**

* * *

I had been premoted three times in the past two weeks, I had a feeling my superiors wanted to promote me to a much higher rank but, had to leave space between each promotion so they could come up with another reason why I was needed for the job.

Tonight, I had been working alone. Earlier today the Union's boats had reached the harbor, and I had been put in charge of evacuating the women and children from the city. It had taken a full day to escort the first group of citizen's to Houston. As soon as I was sure everyone had what they needed I headed back to Galveston. Some citizens had attempted to persuade me to stay and rest a short while before heading back, but there was no time to rest, there were others still in danger. I was needed else where.

I had been riding for only a half hour before I began to lightly daze, I rose from my trance when my horse began to speed up, apparently something had scared her. I calmed her and took a look around for sight of what would give her such a fright. I scanned the landscape, my eyes still dreary, my eyes passed over everything in front of me only to be dragged back to the spot where I saw three women on foot.

I dismounted my horse, they must have fallen behind on our way to Houston. I began to look over their faces from the short distance that we held, to search for any injuries or signs of distress, but I paused when I caught sight of their features. I had never seen anyone so beautiful... their skin was so pale, it looked soft and rock hard at the same time. They had high structured cheek bones and full luscious lips. I tried to see their eyes through the moonlight but, I must have been awfully tried because my eyes only perceived a deep crimson that surrounded their pupils. I tried squinting my eyes to get a clearer view but, the colour remained the same. They reminded me of porcelain dolls, with their hair perfectly in place, and flawless faces. There was no possibility that they had been with the group earlier, I would have remembered their faces.

"He's speechless," said the tallest of the girls. She had fair blond hair that was tied back with a white ribbon. It seemed effortless but, fit beautifully anyways.

The girl next to her leaned in and smelled me. "Mmm, lovely." Her hair was even further blond than that first.

What was going on? Who were these beautiful women and why did they choose to smell me?

"Concentrate, Nettie," said the shortest one, she had chin length brown hair. Her voice reminded me of wind chimes, but it seemed as if she tried to apply a certain hardness to her words while speaking to this girl. She had a sense of authority to her voice, there was no doubt she was in charge. The brunette's eyes trailed back to me. "He looks right-- young, strong, an officer..." She paused it seemed like she was trying to really focus on something. "And there's something more ... do you sense it? He's ... compelling." She struggled for words.

Nettie leaned in and inhaled again. "Oh, yes."

"Patience, I want to keep this one." The brunette gave Nettie a warning look.

Nettie frowned in response.

The tallest blond spoke again. "You'd better do it, Maria. If he's important to you. I kill them twice as often as I keep them."

Maria nodded, this made sense to her. That made one of us...

"Yes, I'll do it," Maria agreed. "I really do like this one. Take Nettie away, will you? I don't want to have to protect my back while I'm trying to focus."

I felt the hair on the back of my head begin to stand up. How could I stand here when I knew there was the presence of danger. I hadn't a glue what they were talking about but, hadn't she already spoken of killing?

"Let's hunt," Nettie agreed, she reached for the tall girl's hand. She seemed way to enthusiastic for the situation we were in.

They were so graceful even in the act of turning around, they ran toward the city. They were so fast, even years before when I would race with the other boys my age, I would imagine running so fast, that everyone would be left faraway and I would laugh in success but, even in those years of my early childhood I would have never dreamed of running that fast. They practicably disappeared with their speed.

Maria stared at me. I think her look was curiousity? As I stared back at her wondering what she was, I realized that my question was no longer _who_I though she was. Don't get me wrong I am not the superstitious type, so my sudden thoughts of ghosts and the like really began to frighten me.

"What is your name soldier?" She asked me.

I was silent for a second I was back to marveling over the sound of her voice. Even through my fear I remained polite. "Major Jasper Whitlock, Ma'am."

"I truely hope you survive, Jasper. I have a good feeling about you." Maria now took a step closer. She inclined her head as though she was going to kiss me. Something in the back of my head said it wasn't a kiss coming, the same voice told me to run. I tried but, I was frozen in fear.

Maria grabbed hold of my shoulder, and the opposite side of my neck, now I felt my paralysis of fear had worn off I tried to pull away, but this small figure overpowered me. I felt a sharp pain in my neck it began to spread throughout my body sending me into little spasms. I no longer had control of my body. I watched Maria through my new form of paralysis. Maria carried me over her back with no effort, I watched the ground as she carried me over a different terrain then deep into a cave. When she set me down, in the dark I had no more distractions to keep my thoughts off the pain. It felt like little needles coursing through my veins. Maria hovered over me. My last sight before slipping into unconsciousness was the deep crimson of blood that freshly filled her eyes.

* * *

**_I know that chapter was much like Jasper's story that he told Bella in Eclipse but, I felt that it was important to understand everything that was going through his head during the event._**

**_Please review!_**


	5. Waking Up

**_A/N: I hate to sound like a broken record but, schools been super busy and sorry it isn't the longest chapter. I'm going crazy excited to see twilight!!!!_**

* * *

There had been burning everywhere. I couldn't open my eyes to see but, I was hyper aware of all the sounds around me. There was someone who hovered over me, and another three by the door.

"I think he can hear us now..." Said a voice which sounded familar but, I couldn't pull the name or face into my head. "...Should we leave?"

"No, no. There is no need. If anything he's more likely to open his eyes with others in the room." I knew this voice. Maria.

"How much longer would you give him?" asked the first voice. I remembered now, Nettie.

I heard Maria sigh. "I wouldn't guess long... sometime in the next thirty minutes?"

Was I going to die? I already felt like I had. The burning sensation coursing my veins had calmed but, I still felt its reminisce. In a second my eyes flew open, and I was backed up against a wall. I looked down at my crouch and felt myself bare my teeth. What was wrong with me?

"It's okay we're not going to hurt you." I looked over to the man who spoke.

"Not going to hurt me? Are you crazy? She bit me!" I said gesturing in Maria direction.

The man took another step into the room. "Yes, trust me that small pain is worth it when you discover your new destiny. You'll be truly thankful."

"Small pain..." I laughed.

He laughed. "My name is Christian and we have much to explain to you but, first you must be hungry?"

"No, no." I shook my head. "I would love something to drink though."

They all laughed at some inside joke.

My eyes glided over to the doorway where Nettie still stood. Next to her there was a big guy, in a tattered army uniform. I walked around Christian when I stood in front of the bystander I gave my salute. He laughed and jumped up stiff and gave me a mocking salute back.

"Your rank?" I asked.

He snorted, rolled his eyes, and walked off. I watched in shock. To mock another soldier especially during war was one of the greatest forms or disrespect.

I heard Christian approach from my right. It was as if the instant I wanted to turn in his direction I was already facing him.

"Come on, bring the new guy." Maria said as she and Nettie exited the room. When had they moved me here? My memory wasn't very clear but, I could recall being in a cave of some sort.

Christian showed me where we were going and explained why. He said I had become a vampire, and that we had to join an army such as this one to survive. We would all be grouped together to train.


End file.
